Random Thoughts

A few months ago we decided to tentatively start house hunting. The point was less about buying and more about seeing what we could get in our area for our budget while starting to save up for a deposit. We do own a unit in a complex but we would prefer not to buy on the condition of a sale, that is just too much pressure and I don't deal well with pressure. 

It wasn't a very exciting search I'll admit and I even said we will stop looking after the fourth house since we aren't desperate to move, but then of course there was this one house (isn't there always?) I had seen the pictures before and disregarded it, I don't know why? Possibly because it is hovering neatly on the border between affording it and well... not. However the more I looked at the pictures the more I thought that it was a pretty nice house considering what we had been seeing and even though I wasn't (and am still not) entirely convinced on the affordability aspect I made an appointment to go and see it. 

Naturally, because we maybe can't afford it, we fell in love with this particular arrangement of brick and plaster. It ticked all of the boxes. Cue me doing some very creative budgeting and number crunching and we since we had become distinctly aware that this house is a BARGAIN we decided to throw all caution to the wind and put in an offer. We did this yesterday, yes on a Sunday afternoon, estate agents don't seem to care about their own personal down time. After signing the offer and discussing it with the estate agent I am even less confident about getting financing now, but sometimes you really do just need to take the chance. 

We aren't really ready you know, we don't have an immediately accessible deposit, so it is either a 100% bond or we would have to sell our unit first to get that and that takes time. But sometimes, just sometimes, you need to stop thinking and just jump. I truly cannot believe that my overly cautious husband was willing to take that leap with me.  I do it all the time, I love taking chances to see if the universe thinks I should or shouldn't have something, but Stephen, he doesn't buy so much as a lamp without a carefully crafted and double checked blueprint.

And you know what, if it doesn't work out, even though we will be disappointed, it won't be the biggest train smash. We just continue as is and prepare ourselves better to try again in a year's time. We have promised ourselves not to get too invested in the idea. I have stopped believing in failure. Either it works out or you learn a lesson. If this is supposed to be our house then it will be our house. If not, there is something else waiting.

In amongst trying to buy things we can't afford, our family has been plagued with a few medical issues which is actually quite unusual for us. Stephen and Layla have had dental problems that have needed urgent sorting out... a few times now. And me, well yes. I had reflux which I thought was a heart attack and ended up in the emergency room from 2am to 4am on a drip one night last week #hypochondria. Then yesterday I was bitten by something and it just looked like a simple mozzie bite at first however it is now the size of a tennis ball, swollen, hot and developing some tiny fluid filled blisters in the centre. It is itchy and sore and I am feeling a bit woozy now which I am sure is just my hypochondria kicking in again. I started off by determining if it was getting bigger by plotting it between some of my freckles but I have quite a few freckles and can't remember the original border, so I have resorted to drawing a line around it so see if it gets any bigger over the day. Fun times!

Yesterday we went for a boat ride on the Vaal River and I was blown away with how picturesque it was with the river being flanked by so many trees showing off their gorgeous autumn leaves. From yellow to gold to red and pink, it truly was a sight to behold. Nature is amazing. 

Other than that it is our second wedding anniversary tomorrow and I cannot believe how quickly two years can fly by. Suppose we should maybe try to do something to celebrate. Let's see how it goes.

A look at grief 3 months on (a personal perspective)

At times I can't believe that it has already been 3 months and in the same breath it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Some days it feels like it happened to someone else and some days the finality of it consumes me.

I hate that time keeps on moving forward. I feel like the further we move from the date of his death the more I lose of him. The more my grasp of him slips. I don't want it to ever be years since he left but I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop that. I really don't like that idea at all.

Two weeks ago we got his autopsy report and it was a difficult but disconnected read. How was it that it is my dad's name on such a report, the one talking about internal organs and incisions? What this report did bring was a small sense of peace though, my dad was in a very bad way and the decision to not resuscitate was the right one. His lungs were by far the worst, respirator lungs was the term, but his brain, heart, liver and kidneys had also all experienced a level of tissue damage in one way or the other. That is every vital organ. He also had some pretty serious pressure sores which had become infected. Cause of death was cited a quadriplegia and complications thereof, primarily being bronchopnuemonia. There were abscesses in his lungs. I don't know how he managed to survive as long as he did.

All of that - from a motorcycle accident. Eight months of agony, physical and mental, all from a split second of bad judgement. A mistake. It is terrifying to contemplate.

So here we are, 3 months on, and there has been some closure from the perspective of his physical condition and why we are where we are now. Emotionally the road is somewhat rocky still although substantially smoother than where we have been. I still cry almost daily, and it is almost always while in the car - the only time that I am by myself during the day. The tears are different all of the time, sometimes sad, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes angry or afraid and sometimes in disbelief, but they are always healing and the crying comes in much shorter bouts now. It is quiet crying.

Once a month however I do get overwhelmed and anxious and just utterly heartbroken and when I try to figure out why it is hitting me so hard at that particular time I come to realise that it the day before the monthly anniversary of his death. Every time without fail. I don't try and stuff it down though, I feel it fully as sucky as it is. Somehow by taking ownership of the feelings it seems to stop them from overpowering me.

One particular aspect that I have struggled with is my memories of him. Every time I think about him it is a time that he was in the hospital, only post accident memories, and I was starting to get concerned that I was only going to remember him that way, helpless and dependent. Then I went back to our whatsapp group, the one where we kept each other updated visit by visit and discussed all of his issues at whichever point in time and I read everything and listened to every voice note all over from beginning to end. It took almost 3 hours. I was shocked by how much I had forgotten, or gotten wrong from a timeline point of view in this blog. There were far more ups and downs than I had ever remembered. There was one voice note from November that I had eliminated from my memory, didn't even know it existed, until I pressed play. My heart caught in my throat as I heard my dad's trach voice (a rare occurrence, I had forgotten he was well enough in November to have his trach cuff deflated at times to talk) address my sister and I. The tears came immediately because it felt like he never left or like I was hearing a message from the grave. The end of the message is priceless though - I love you, bye... I have listened to it often since I found it.

Despite all of the above and also feeling like people seem to think that we should all be over his death already (which I try not to let upset me but I do get annoyed at times), I actually feel much stronger emotionally. I am starting to have more and more spontaneous memories of him from before the accident which hurt at first for all the things that they will never be again, but I have started to find myself smiling at some of the memories as well. Something I thought was never going to happen.

There is so much more that happened during this entire 8 month process prior to his death that I haven't mentioned in this blog because they are so personal and so devastating that it isn't fair to any of our family members to bring it up on such an open and public platform. I have done a load of therapy work on it and I am amazed by my own, and others, capacity for forgiveness. It overwhelms me. I thankfully don't have much experience with grief, but the little that I have gathered over the past 3 months has certainly changed me in a way and helped me to grow as a human being. Probably more so than I have done in my entire life before this.

I have realised the fragility of life. There really are no promises.

And I don't ever want to take this life for granted again.