92.6

ninety two point six

As in kilograms...

As in the mass of my body...

As in when the fuck did that happen?

Okay the last question is unnecessary. I know when and I know how, but still... why did I let it get to this point? Never mind the aesthetics, that is not healthy. But then again I probably haven't been healthy for the last 7ish years or so bar for a few sporadic episodes here and there. At 1.64 metres tall my healthy weight is somewhere between 60 and 64 kgs and I can't remember when last I weighed anywhere near those amounts.

So let me state the obvious here, but I think it is important. I know that this was a choice, MY choice, every bite of food, every time I ignored the fact that I was full and kept eating anyway, every time I didn't exercise, every time I turned away from the mirror instead of facing the truth - all of those moments stemmed from a choice that I made not to put my health first, I am accountable and it stands to reason that the path back to health will be paved by my choices too (better ones of course).

The thing is that I didn't wake up one day with a figurative light bulb above my head saying "I know, let's get fat and be unfit and unhealthy"* I know I wouldn't have done that because despite my current deep neglect of myself and my appearance I am surprisingly self-centred and vain. I didn't CHOOSE to be fat. Well... not directly anyway. I chose convenience, I chose taste, I chose comfort, I chose lots and lots of comfort. 

*I realise that fat does not necessarily equal unfit and/or unhealthy, but in my case it certainly does.

And so here I am, looking down indignantly at the numbers on the scale, wondering how it is that I got here - even though I know exactly how.

My first thought is to berate and belittle myself and a few months ago if I had had the strength to face the scale that is precisely what I would have done, but now after months and months and months of therapy I can't seem to talk to myself that way anymore. I got upset, yes, but I didn't treat myself badly because of it, I wallowed in the state of realising where I was and then once I was ready to start to let go of the self pity I started to consider what I would need to do to fix it. That was uncomfortable because as simple as it sounds "yes just fix it" it isn't anywhere near as simple as I would like it to be, I found this out while wading through thick sticky denial and self-indulgent retorts of "but I don't want to" which sounded a whole lot like my 6 year old when she gets told to tidy up. It isn't a whole lot of fun and laughs now is it?

I have pretty good reason not to want to fix it though. My track record of "fixing it" involves a mosaic of strict dieting, restrictive eating, excessive exercise, hunger, bulimia, fasting, diet pills and laxatives (all used in various different combinations at different times). All of my tried and tested methods thus far are not kind, in fact they have all been downright destructive and I am sure must have resulted in some metabolic damage somewhere. In an essence my self-esteem is shot. I wish it was possible to grab that teenage girl paging through the magazines earmarking the pages flaunting the models with the bodies she wishes to have and tell her that she is already perfect and beautiful. She never needed to change herself to be lovable. She didn't know that though.

The difference I have at this point in my life is that I know that I don't need to change so that I can be loved. I am already loved and lovable just the way I am. I want to change because I am physically tired and unfit and unhealthy and feeling this way is just no way to live and enjoy life. Now I just need to find a way to do it that doesn't involve destroying myself and that is going to require a great deal of my energy and awareness. I do think that it will be worth it though.

Life or something like it

I don't feel like I have lived.

Up until this point I have merely survived with some short random bursts of doing things that really set my soul on fire. The fire fizzles fast though and the older I get the more I find myself questioning exactly what it is in this life that makes my heart beat faster and how do I get more of it?

The reality is, no matter how much I want to, I can't just drop everything and travel the world. Well I suppose I could I guess, but I would have a tough time finding the money and then explaining why my 6 year old child is not being educated. I have a certain level of responsibility that I need to account for and it seems that is what being an adult is all about. So how do we strike that balance of meeting responsibilities and also nourishing the soul?

One of my clients committed suicide this past Friday. Three acquaintances have lost their dads in the space of 6 months. I lost my dad. I don't need to see any more evidence... life is finite, it is unpredictable and no matter what, just as everything begins so everything ends. It is a cataclysmic thought to even begin to comprehend never mind accept. One of the greatest fears in my life, and only a short second behind losing the people that I love, I am utterly terrified that I die in a car accident or some other unfortunate event on my way home from work because I just could not handle the thought of the last few hours of my life having being spent at work. At the same time I have started to accept that I am not likely to find my sole driving purpose and then also fortuitously find that aligns with my work and means of earning an income. Don't get me wrong, if it does I will welcome it with open arms and back flips, but if we're honest here it just doesn't work that way for everybody so my aim is to make my life outside of work as amazing and authentic as possible.

For that to happen I need to do a few things:

a) I need to be as healthy as I possibly can be so I can enjoy life;

b) I need to nurture my relationships;

c) I need to look at life with a sense of wonder; and

d) most importantly I need to figure out what makes me excited

I am getting on nicely with points b and c for now. Points a and d need some work. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to travel but seriously there has to be more than that so I am just going to keep on soul searching.

On that note I have resigned and I took the job offer. It took every ounce of courage that I could muster up inside of me to resign but I did it and it didn't go too badly. I start my new job on the 1st of August (also Layla's 7th birthday) and I am so looking forward to the new challenge as well as having more flexible time. I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I am in an exceptional place right now, I haven't been this happy in a long time and I am soaking up every moment. I feel like I have stopped just surviving and I am finally starting to live. 

Only took me 34 year...

Making a tough decision

I am no stranger to stress. I don't think anyone is really. I used to think that I handled stress well, even that I thrived on stress. Turns out that I don't, not on prolonged stress anyway. 2017 has been a particularly stressful year for me so far, however with the exception of my dad's death (for obvious reasons) everything has come with a positive outcome - it is the process of getting to the outcome which has proven to be stressful. Now that we have bought a house and are working our way through the somewhat stressful and financially straining part of the transfer, I thought that everything could finally start to settle down. 

Ummm, as it turns out, not really because out of nowhere I got offered a new job. 

I am reasonably comfortable where I work now, I mean I have been here over 11 years now.  I know the work, the people, the traffic and it is all so very comfortable. Boring at times, but super comfortable.

I have had passing thoughts about moving on, but the kind of thoughts that I pushed away with a not right now, it isn't a good time. When is it a good time though? Not only have I worked here for 11 years, but it is in a small office environment of only 3 people and that is with myself included! I am having an extremely tough time not worrying about disappointing my boss by deciding to leave. I absolutely hate being the cause of people's upset and letting them down, to the point where I deny myself happiness in order to not let it get in the way of someone else's happiness. And it hurts me.

I didn't actively go out looking for new work. It came to me. It is nothing like what I am doing now, but I find that somewhat intriguing and exciting, it has been quite some time since I have needed to step out of my work comfort zone. I kinda like the idea of leaving behind what I am doing now. This new job is so (SO) much closer to home, which brings about it's greatest perk, more time! Less time in traffic and more time with my kid. I hadn't realised what a big deal something like that could be until I found it my founding argument for possibly taking this new job.

Have I made a decision? I think I have and it is not what I thought it would be. I thought I was going to stay, but I find myself daydreaming about the day I leave. It has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. I am afraid of the change, but I think that is normal. However the strongest emotion seems to be guilt, I am so guilty about leaving the job I have now, even though I am 99% sure that this move will be best for me and my family, I somehow just can't shake the guilt about letting someone down. Will this matter in 5 years time though? I hope not.

Until now I hadn't realised how hungry I was for change, for a fresh start. I still need to commit to the decision though, so let's see how this works out.