Life or something like it

I don't feel like I have lived.

Up until this point I have merely survived with some short random bursts of doing things that really set my soul on fire. The fire fizzles fast though and the older I get the more I find myself questioning exactly what it is in this life that makes my heart beat faster and how do I get more of it?

The reality is, no matter how much I want to, I can't just drop everything and travel the world. Well I suppose I could I guess, but I would have a tough time finding the money and then explaining why my 6 year old child is not being educated. I have a certain level of responsibility that I need to account for and it seems that is what being an adult is all about. So how do we strike that balance of meeting responsibilities and also nourishing the soul?

One of my clients committed suicide this past Friday. Three acquaintances have lost their dads in the space of 6 months. I lost my dad. I don't need to see any more evidence... life is finite, it is unpredictable and no matter what, just as everything begins so everything ends. It is a cataclysmic thought to even begin to comprehend never mind accept. One of the greatest fears in my life, and only a short second behind losing the people that I love, I am utterly terrified that I die in a car accident or some other unfortunate event on my way home from work because I just could not handle the thought of the last few hours of my life having being spent at work. At the same time I have started to accept that I am not likely to find my sole driving purpose and then also fortuitously find that aligns with my work and means of earning an income. Don't get me wrong, if it does I will welcome it with open arms and back flips, but if we're honest here it just doesn't work that way for everybody so my aim is to make my life outside of work as amazing and authentic as possible.

For that to happen I need to do a few things:

a) I need to be as healthy as I possibly can be so I can enjoy life;

b) I need to nurture my relationships;

c) I need to look at life with a sense of wonder; and

d) most importantly I need to figure out what makes me excited

I am getting on nicely with points b and c for now. Points a and d need some work. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to travel but seriously there has to be more than that so I am just going to keep on soul searching.

On that note I have resigned and I took the job offer. It took every ounce of courage that I could muster up inside of me to resign but I did it and it didn't go too badly. I start my new job on the 1st of August (also Layla's 7th birthday) and I am so looking forward to the new challenge as well as having more flexible time. I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I am in an exceptional place right now, I haven't been this happy in a long time and I am soaking up every moment. I feel like I have stopped just surviving and I am finally starting to live. 

Only took me 34 year...