I have been struggling with blog topics lately. I feel like this blog space has become about my dad's death and as such it is now sacred, so I am having trouble talking about general more random topics. However this space was always intended to be about my life and my self-realisation (and apparently self-indulgence) and I would like to try and find that purpose again.
Serendipitously I came across a pin on pinterest titled Memory Keeping: 52 Journal Questions (by www.hayleyfromhome.co.uk) and I felt like it was a good nudge in the right direction. Today I have decided to write about how the last year has changed me which is poignant considering that this time last year I was so very blissfully unaware of what was about to unfold in my life.
"She's changed. You can see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch, and hear it in her tone. She's not the same, and she's never coming back." - K. Azizian
Reflecting on this time last year, while I would never really describe myself as a care-free person, it was probably my last few days of being 'care-free'. We had just returned from our first family holiday with just the 3 of us. Ironically* enough this holiday was in Nelspruit and I had never been there before. It was so beautiful.
*It is ironic in that is where my dad was initially hospitalised and I ended up going to Nelspruit 4 times during the month of May 2016.
I still lived in the world of those things don't happen to me. How wonderfully naive. I wish I could blink back to this place of unfaltering security every now and then.
Then it happened. In one split second everything changed. I changed. 17 May 2016.
In the past year our family has been held over the fire. Melted and remoulded into something... different. I can't help but feel a little bit broken, but paradoxically at the same time closer to being more whole.
I am not so naive anymore. I know that there is a place between life and death, a place of mere existence and just plain survival. I know that stories don't always just either end abruptly or if they don't then obviously end happily. I realised that you can take 8 months to die from an accident. I know that one seemingly minor decision, one tiny bad judgement can change everything. I have found out how lies can bring you to your knees.
I can confidently say that I have cried every single day since 17 May last year until today. Sometimes it is just a few sad tears, sometimes it's sobs and for the first time in my life sometimes they are happy tears (spoiler: we got the house).
Since I now know that everything ends and nothing is guaranteed I have started to see beauty in every tiny little thing. I am seizing opportunities as they pass without over thinking it too much (okay sometimes, it is a difficult habit to break) which would be why in the 4 months since my dad passed I have bought a house, a car and signed my daughter up for ice skating lessons, something I always wanted to do as a child (it was her choice though, I am not going to try and live through her). Time is finite!
I seem to be living in opposites land. Never have I been more afraid, yet more brave. I feel both weaker and stronger at the same time. I have never been sadder nor happier in my whole entire life. It feels all so wrong and yet also so right.
I am learning the value in being vulnerable.
My marriage was well and truly tested in this past year, but we made it through and I am happier than ever with where our relationship is even though I am human and I still deal with massive insecurity. Although I feel like I am better able to express it now.
This year has been a true rollercoaster.
Here are some of the things that have happened in the space of 12 months:
- I dealt with my first ever real crisis; dad's accident and severe disabilities as a result.
- I experienced the ICU for the first time (and then over and over and over)
- I failed my first ever exam and it was a biggie, the board exam (I still need to rewrite).
- I travelled by myself for the first time.
- I built a relationship with my sister.
- I found out that I am never going to have that second baby that I wanted so bad.
- I paid off my debt.
- I co-signed papers to withdraw my dad's treatment once he went into a coma.
- I started therapy (as a result of the trauma of the above point).
- I learnt to believe in miracles.
- I then learnt that not every miracle is about healing forever, sometimes it is about a couple of extra months. Still a miracle.
- I nearly destroyed my marriage (but I didn't thankfully).
- I learnt to love people who didn't deserve it and love when it wasn't something I wanted to do. Love is healing.
- My daughter started Grade 1.
- I lost my dad.
- In losing my dad I 'found' a family.
- I gave away a car.
- I stood up for myself.
- I bought a new car.
- I bought a house.
It has been a traumatic year, but I have learnt so much that I couldn't possibly want to change it for anything else. Although if I could have my dad back I obviously would, but that is not how life goes is it?
Most importantly, I survived.
Life is precious.
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