This blog was never intended to be a grief journal, but as sucky as it is, here I am and I have no fucking idea what I am supposed to be doing and how I am supposed to be feeling. I promise this space won't always be this depressing, but for now, well, for now it sucks.
My psychologist suggested, since I am research driven, that I do some reading up on grief and see what I can figure out. I went out looking for a grief manual. All I wanted was a step by step, 'day 24 - today you can smile again', guide. Something that might at times tell me it's all okay and I am at least somewhat normal.
I can categorically tell you that no such guide exists. Not fucking helpful interwebz... not fucking helpful!
Here is what I can tell you that I have found. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no particular way you should or shouldn't feel. You are probably normal. And as much as it irks me, there is no guide. This is entirely personal. Aimless, utterly non-linear, but it is all entirely yours to navigate which ever way you choose.
I find it excessively uncomfortable to have read so much and still not know what to do. That just does not gel in my universe.
Now, being left to my own devices which usually isn't the greatest of ideas, I can only come up with 2 things that might help me stop crying and maybe make me want to start to participate in life again;
#1 - Remember
Write down my memories. Unfortunately right now my memories, instead of focusing on the happy stuff, have got the last 8 months of his life; that being hospitals, procedures, ups, downs, and the horrible, horrible smell of ICU (how do I get that smell out of my nostrils?); playing on repeat in my brain. To uncover the good stuff, I have to work through and unpack the hospital and bad parts. Do you know how many times I have tried to write about that? I have deleted it every single time. It is just too hard. But I guess I am going to have to do it anyway (sounds a lot like adulthood - doing a whole bunch things you don't exactly want to do).
#2 - Live
Right now the thought of living is not very appealing. Napping however, napping sounds great! I could lie and say that it has only been that way since the accident or death of my dad, but truthfully speaking I have been feeling this way for much, much longer. Here is the thing. My dad may not have been the best dad, but he never wanted anything less than the very best for his daughters and he was always extremely vocal about it. I cannot honour him if I don't look after myself and live my best life. This too is hard, but this is also something I am going to have to do anyway. Fuck being an adult, truly.
So the only concrete piece of information I can find out about grief is - that it is going to be hard. It just so happens that that was the only part I already knew.
And here we have it, another unhelpful write up about grief on the internet.
All kidding aside, I will tell you what has helped though, knowing that I am not nearly as alone as I am feeling right now. The sun will continue to rise whether you want it to or not, and one day, even though nothing will be the same again, I will find a new normal.
Everything will be okay. Until then I will just figure it out day by day (and hope that my family and friends still like me by the end of it).
My psychologist suggested, since I am research driven, that I do some reading up on grief and see what I can figure out. I went out looking for a grief manual. All I wanted was a step by step, 'day 24 - today you can smile again', guide. Something that might at times tell me it's all okay and I am at least somewhat normal.
I can categorically tell you that no such guide exists. Not fucking helpful interwebz... not fucking helpful!
Here is what I can tell you that I have found. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no particular way you should or shouldn't feel. You are probably normal. And as much as it irks me, there is no guide. This is entirely personal. Aimless, utterly non-linear, but it is all entirely yours to navigate which ever way you choose.
I find it excessively uncomfortable to have read so much and still not know what to do. That just does not gel in my universe.
Now, being left to my own devices which usually isn't the greatest of ideas, I can only come up with 2 things that might help me stop crying and maybe make me want to start to participate in life again;
#1 - Remember
Write down my memories. Unfortunately right now my memories, instead of focusing on the happy stuff, have got the last 8 months of his life; that being hospitals, procedures, ups, downs, and the horrible, horrible smell of ICU (how do I get that smell out of my nostrils?); playing on repeat in my brain. To uncover the good stuff, I have to work through and unpack the hospital and bad parts. Do you know how many times I have tried to write about that? I have deleted it every single time. It is just too hard. But I guess I am going to have to do it anyway (sounds a lot like adulthood - doing a whole bunch things you don't exactly want to do).
#2 - Live
Right now the thought of living is not very appealing. Napping however, napping sounds great! I could lie and say that it has only been that way since the accident or death of my dad, but truthfully speaking I have been feeling this way for much, much longer. Here is the thing. My dad may not have been the best dad, but he never wanted anything less than the very best for his daughters and he was always extremely vocal about it. I cannot honour him if I don't look after myself and live my best life. This too is hard, but this is also something I am going to have to do anyway. Fuck being an adult, truly.
So the only concrete piece of information I can find out about grief is - that it is going to be hard. It just so happens that that was the only part I already knew.
And here we have it, another unhelpful write up about grief on the internet.
All kidding aside, I will tell you what has helped though, knowing that I am not nearly as alone as I am feeling right now. The sun will continue to rise whether you want it to or not, and one day, even though nothing will be the same again, I will find a new normal.
Everything will be okay. Until then I will just figure it out day by day (and hope that my family and friends still like me by the end of it).
No comments:
Post a Comment