The past three weeks have been interesting to say the least. Perhaps nothing extraordinary to the eyes of an outsider but within this little bubble which I call my life, there have been lessons and learning and growing at a rate at which I have never experienced before. Probably because even though I like to think I'm cool with change and can embrace it, I am actually extremely change resistant.
I am not going to say that everything is all fine and perfect now, in fact far from it, I still have the same stresses and problems that I had before and that hasn't changed, the difference now is how I react to it and it has made all the difference to my peace of mind. I have finally grasped concepts that I have never even been able to consider before.
Patience has become a friend - and it took a moment of impatience, which resulted in an over reaction, which in turn turned a pretty much non-existent problem into a big ongoing problem, to finally learn my lesson in patience. It was a Sunday afternoon and we had a 'water leak' in the driveway. Water was coming up through the paving in an area about the size of a brick. It wasn't gushing nor was there a fountain, there was just a pool of water originating from underground. For some unknown reason I panicked and decided to act immediately. A plumber was called and he proceeded to dig up the driveway for a solid 4 hours - with absolutely no resolution. Fun times! What had been a small pool of water was now a 2m x 5m water filled hole in the paving. Eventually it got too dark to continue digging and I called it off and got a second plumber to come through the next morning. And guess what, it was just ground water from all the rain we had been having. Nothing needed to be done to fix it because it would eventually dry up by itself. If I had just left the issue alone it would have resolved itself in a few days without any input or interference from anyone. Instead I created a problem where there was none and now I have the stress of having to fix it. And just to drive the point home a little further it has become something that is taking weeks and weeks to fix. Just being patient would have literally saved me weeks of stress.
Conversely I have also figured out how to actually identify an emergency from a non-emergency. For me, for pretty much my entire life, I have determined every problem to be an emergency. This is the problem with being an anxious person, I need to react immediately or else I don't feel like I am doing my best. This means I tend to over react and create drama and problems for myself (see above for proof of this). A few weeks ago we had to deal with a bona fide emergency (ironically coinciding with my great non-emergency above), Layla woke up at midnight wheezing and barely able to breathe. We had to rush her to the hospital where she was given adrenaline and neubilised 3 times before she was able to breathe normally again. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, (although to be fair I have had quite a few in the past year) and it created a stark contrast in my mind as to what I need to react to swiftly and what I don't. Here is the thing, there are very few moments that require immediate and urgent reaction. Everything else can actually wait.
Once this finally sunk in I felt all of the intense stress and anxiety I had been experiencing for just about forever now, just melt away. So long as no one is going to die, get sick or get hurt from not reacting immediately then I am allowed to take some time to come up with the best solution to the problem first before reacting. I am the type of person that can thrive on stress to a point and then when it all becomes too much I become paralysed and unable to react appropriately at all (it is embarrassing how I react at times). I have been in this state of paralysis for almost 7 years now which explains why I haven't bothered to look after myself. I haven't been living, just merely surviving from moment to moment. Just surviving isn't a bad thing by any means, our bodies were designed for it, but only for short periods at a time. Periodic stress is actually good for you, constant stress most definitely isn't and since dropping the unnecessary stress for those things that are out of my control I have freed up brain capacity to focus on more important things, like spending quality time with my family where my mind is actually present, or finally taking on some projects around the house, or maybe (just maybe) even finally looking after myself and my needs.
Making this change in my way of thinking has made me calmer, happier, and more motivated than I think I have ever been before. I know that this won't eliminate the stress in my life, and at times, especially with extreme stress, I am likely to go back to my old ways of thinking although I hope that I can always eventually come back to how I am thinking and feeling now.
This past year has been difficult to say the least, but what I have learnt has been priceless and for that I am forever grateful.
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